The world’s number one attention-whore Paris Hilton has just received a brand new bright pink Bentley. Apparently, the luxury car with a custom pink paint job wasn’t enough. Paris Hilton is also adding a $280,000 diamond-encrusted dash to her pink mobile.

It must be really chilly in London today, you can tell because Paris Hilton is wearing gloves. Apparently. Paris Hilton forgot to put her bra on this morning before she stepped out into the chilly streets of London. This of course would not normally be a problem, but she just happened to be wearing a black see-through dress. For those of you that haven’t seen Paris’s homemade porno “One Night in Paris”, here is your chance to see Paris Hilton’s boobs, enjoy. I know I did.

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Author Mark Ebner’s Hollywood tell-all book “Six Degrees of Paris Hilton” hits store shelves next week. The juiciest parts of the book come from an interview with Darnell Riley, a man who supposedly purchased 14 hours of Paris Hilton home videos from some Russian thieves. Hmmm…. How can we get in touch with this Russian thieves? I bet they more interesting footage.

Paris and Nick Carter at the Las Ventanas resort in Cabo San Lucas: “The video opens with Nick holding the camera as Paris opens her luggage. She pulls out a huge ziplock bag full of weed. She flew drugs into Mexico. Unbelievable. Nick comments on how this tape muster never get out, and Paris says, ‘Yeah, the Paris Hilton Tape, Part Two.’ She breaks the weed down, and rolls a fat joint. They smoke for about ten minutes, go out to the pool, talk a little shit. They have lunch poolside, go back to their room and Paris shows a tattoo on her ass of Nick’s name, and he shows one of hers on his wrist.” (They also spot Kelsey Grammer having lunch with Nick Lachey and Jessica Simpson, as well as Dennis Rodman poolside, and Paris makes a joke about his endowment, possibly from experience.)

And finally: Paris and Brandon Davis are approached by two effeminate black men at an MTV party who invite them to an event for singer/actress Eve’s new clothing line. Davis initially asks if there will be any women at the party, before they exchange phone numbers. Then, according to Darnell, “On the way to the the Jeep, Brandon says, ‘Stupid fucks,’ talking about the black guys, and Paris says ‘Dirty niggers,’ and they start laughing and jump into the Jeep. You could tell that Paris had tried to erase the tape, because that part had a blur in it, but the words were clear.”

She smuggled drugs into Mexico?! She really is a dumb blonde and Brandon Davis, the “Lindsay Lohan is a fire crotch” guy is the biggest idiot in Hollywood. The world can only hope that he does not procreate. Ahh… shit, somebody peed in the gene pool, everyone out.

These are shots of Paris Hilton at the Sundance Film Festival in Park City, Utah over the weekend. Because when I work my ass off trying to get a movie made, nothing makes me feel better than the undeserved celebrity of a billionaire’s daughter. But, no, seriously, how does Paris Hilton walk around and not get impaled with a ski pole? If that doesn’t prove God doesn’t exist, I don’t know what does. (Not counting science, The Hills and that time the kid at Taco Bell forgot my mild sauce.)

Paris Hilton spent over two hours shopping at Arcade in Beverly Hills yesterday. And by shopping I mean she tried on clothes in the dressing room then tossed them on the floor for the peasants to bag up. Afterward, she handed her credit card out through the curtain which is, actually, kind of courteous hygienically speaking. On that note, Paris’ new haircut is prompting me to have a serious, heartfelt talk with my penis. *yells down pants* HERPES!

I think that went well.